Hello everyone. Thank you for visiting the CFCC blog. Here we will discuss some ideas and topics related to therapy that will hopefully impact our readers’ lives in a positive way. Today, let’s talk about conflict, something that is a part of all our lives, especially if we are in an intimate relationship. The conflicts in a marriage or intimate relationship are more present and matter more to us because of the intense intimacy we share with our partner or spouse.
At some point, conflict happens in any relationship. Sometimes the conflict is very intense. Sometimes it is easily resolved. Sometimes it is chronic and sticks around like student debt. Conflict, including arguments and fighting, is not necessarily a bad thing and can have positive outcomes. Sometimes we have to argue to get a better understanding of each other. Sometimes we have to fight about our views in order to make sure we are heard and that we hear our partners. However, sometimes fighting and arguing can have an eroding effect on our relationships, eventually leading to it breaking. This first blog post will look at some factors in conflict that can lead to our relationships breaking.
Couples are as unique as the people that form them. When it comes to conflict, there is no decided acceptable frequency or intensity. Each couple is different. Some fight a lot, some never fight. More than the frequency of fighting, it is the seriousness of the conflict, and how it is managed that matters. Whether you fight once a year or 10 times a week, if it is managed in a negative way (we will get to that later) it could hurt your relationship with your significant other.
Put another way, conflict can either be constructive or destructive.
Constructive conflict is cooperative, meaning that even in the conflict you and your partner are working towards a common goal. It is pro-social, meaning that even in the conflict you and your partner are building each other somehow. It maintains and keeps a relationship intact.
Destructive conflict, on the other hand, is competitive, meaning someone has to win. It is antisocial, so you push each other away. It damages the relationship. Hallmarks of a destructive conflict is negativity, disagreeableness, and possibly hostility.
How do conflicts in your relationship look? Are they constructive or destructive?
What can you and your partner do to make conflicts more constructive when they happen?
Next time we will talk about the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (thunder claps. A baby cries).
Reference:
Cupach, W. R., Canary, D. J., Vuchinich, S., & Messman, S. J. (2003). Conflict. In J. J. Ponzetti (Ed.), International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family (2nd ed., Vol. 1, pp. 355-368). New York: Macmillan Reference USA.