Last time we talked about conflict in relationships. I mentioned how conflict is not always bad and identified two broad categories within which conflict can fall: Constructive or Destructive Conflict.
For a refresher, read part 1 for more about the differences between constructive and destructive conflict.
Part two of the conflict in relationships series will focus on four types of destructive conflict that can be especially damaging to relationships. Four patterns of interaction that are especially destructive to a relationship is criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. John Gottman called these four patterns of interaction The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. We will take some time to look at each “Horseman” and explore why they can destroy your relationship and how you can stop them.
Horseman 1 – Criticism
“Why are you always so messy!?”
Hey, I get it. Sometimes our partners mess up. Sometimes they mess up badly. At those moments it is easy to get really frustrated. No one is saying that you should never get angry or never address it when your partner messes up. But there is an important difference between addressing actions you don’t agree with and criticizing someone. Our quote is case and point. Saying “you are messy” attacks the person. If you said “recently you leave a big mess after cooking, could you be more proactive about cleaning up?” addresses the problem. In both cases conflict is possible, however, with the first, criticism erodes the integrity of the relationship. It shaves away at the trust and security that are such vital components of a healthy relationship.
Some other examples:
(Criticism) – You are mean! (Addressing Issue) – You say mean things to me!
(Criticism) – You are so selfish! (Addressing Issue) – I feel like you do not think about me enough
(Criticism) – You are just like your father! (Addressing Issue) – I worry about your behavior.
Looking at these example, you might think that the second option is not much better than the first, but there is a difference! Gottman found that the Four Horseman do not end a relationship on day one. Usually, these relationship interactions erode the relationship over time. As mentioned in part one, the key difference between constructive and destructive conflict is that constructive conflict seeks to heal the relationship and repair damage to the relationship. Criticism breaks down. Addressing problems may cause some conflict over the short term, but the ultimate goal is to address a problem and to reach a better relationship state afterwards.
Ask yourself this:
What is the heart of the thing I am saying to my partner. Am I breaking him/her down? Or am I trying to heal something that is broken between us.
Let’s close with homework, something even seasoned marriage and family therapists should remind themselves to do more of.
This week, be mindful of the way you interact with your significant other, especially when there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Pay attention to what you say to her/him, or how you say things to him/her. Are you breaking your partner down? Or are you building the two of you up?
Next time we discuss Horseman no 2.