Last time we talked about Horseman 2, Contempt, and how destructive that horseman especially is to relationships. Today we will discuss the third horseman, a tricky one that makes those who use it feel like they are justified to do so.
Horeseman 3 – Defensiveness
“Yeah? Well you have been friendly with that office worker! Of course I cheated!”
Defensiveness is what we use when we feel that our own interests are at risk and we want to protect those interests. It is a natural response to contempt so when partners use contempt, the other partner can easily use defensiveness to protect themselves from the perceived attack. Though there are times when individuals have to defend their own honor and be assirtive, especially when the other partner is being unfair, The Horseman of Defensiveness is usually an effort to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions. Defensiveness often takes the form of responding to even legitimate complaints with complaints, denying responsibility for actions by blaming others, and making excuses for unacceptable behavior.
Here are examples of the above three forms paired with healthier responses:
Matching complaints with complaints: (Partner A) You forgot to pick me up again! (Partner B) Well you never tell me when these meetings are!
Accepting legitimate complaints: (Partner B). I am sorry I did not pick you up. I hurt you. How can we plan better so I am there next time?
Avoiding responsibility: (Husband) “You worked all week again and the kids did not get to see you. (Wife) “Well, how can I not work when you are not doing your part? (Addressing Issue) – You say mean things to me!
Taking Responsibility: (Wife). I know. But I am worried that we will not make it and I feel like I have no choice.
Making excuses for unacceptable behavior: (Boyfriend) Dating is not marriage so cheating isn’t really serious and everyone does it.
Being honest about unacceptable behavior: (Boyfriend) Even if dating is not marriage and some people cheat I really hurt my partner and therefore it is not ok.
Defensiveness delegitimizes valid complaints and does not deal with invalid ones. It is like cutting your left arm to deal with the cut on your right arm. As the above examples illustrate, the only way to deal with a problem is to fix it, not by avoiding it.
Let’s close with homework. If some form of complaint or grievance comes up in your relationship, notice how the both of you are responding to that complaint. Are each of you identifying the parts that you are responsible for, taking ownership of that, and brainstorming how you can change it in the future? Or are either of you just thinking about your own interests, refusing to accept your share in what went wrong, and just placing blame on the other partner?
Next time we discuss our last Horseman.